Jillian's story

I've wanted to write my experiences down for a long time but never have. Other blogs I've read recently (Dana, Tamra) have inspired me to finally do it!

Jillian Mirinda Larsen was born June 2, 2007. It was a Saturday morning when we left for the hospital. After 4 hours of labor, Jillian came into this world at 1:17 in the afternoon. She weighed in at 8 lbs 10 oz and was 21 inches long.
I, of course, cried when I was able to hold her for the first time. I was so excited to finally meet her. I looked at her in awe, thinking how pretty she was and couldn't believe she was mine. She had dark hair and such a pretty complexion. I couldn't have been happier. Shawn was such a proud daddy and couldn't stop smiling as he held her. He even played her some Star Wars music on his cell phone. I could tell that she instantly had him wrapped around her finger.
We were so happy to finally have our little girl. We had been waiting and praying for six years to have another baby, and now she was finally here! We knew that we were supposed to have her in our family, and we never gave up hope. The years of waiting didn't seem to matter anymore as I held her. It was perfect timing, and I couldn't imagine having her at any other time in my life. I knew that we had waited for a reason and that we had learned something from it. Here is Jillian's story.

This was our family 1 year before Jillian was born. Christian was 12 that summer, and Cayson was 7. It had been five years since we had decided to try for another baby. The boys were growing up so quickly, and sometimes we wondered if starting over was crazy. It had been so frustrating and heartbreaking month after month finding out I wasn't pregnant, especially after so many years. We thought our prayers had finally been answered when I found out I was expecting the beginning of June. We were so happy and excited. We were finally going to have our baby, or so we thought.

I was feeling wonderful. I was sick and feeling pregnant, but I was so happy that it didn't matter. I went in for some blood work on a Wednesday and Friday. It was a routine thing they do to measure the level of hormones in my body. They were supposed to double every day, so I had to do it twice. On Saturday, everything changed. I was feeling just fine, but I was bleeding. I tried to tell myself that it was normal and that everything was fine. I went about my day trying hard not to think about it, but down deep that was all I could think about. On Sunday morning, nothing had changed. I was preparing my Relief Society lesson that I had to teach that day. I couldn't concentrate very well, as my thoughts kept turning to the baby I was carrying. My lesson that day was on the scriptures and finding answers in them. I finally put my lesson aside and starting praying. I asked Heavenly Father for everything to be alright. I told him how much I loved and wanted that baby. I told him that I just needed to know what was going to happen, so I could feel peace. I said that my lesson was on finding answers in the scriptures, so if that was true, to give me an answer. I picked up my scriptures and starting thumbing through them. I felt discouraged and alone. I didn't really think I would find anything. Just as I was about to give up, my scriptures fell open to a verse in the Bible. I stopped and read it as it called out my name. I don't remember the exact words or exact verse, but it said something like this: "The mother will not be strong enough to deliver. " I remember reading and rereading that passage as a numbness came over my body. I closed my scriptures and tossed them aside. (That's why I don't remember exactly where it was.) I didn't want to believe it. It was just a coincidence I told myself. I wouldn't tell Shawn what happened, and I went to church and taught my lesson. Deep down, I was scared, but I wouldn't let anyone see that. Monday morning I awoke in pain. I called my nurse at once. My blood work had come back, too. Everything had looked good on Wednesday, but my hormone levels had dropped by Friday. Between that and the pain, she said that I would miscarry, and there was nothing I could do about it. I don't think I have ever cried harder in my life. I was devastated. Shawn was too, but he tried to be strong for me. I lost the baby Tuesday morning.


On Tuesday afternoon, I sat at the kitchen table with my scriptures. I didn't understand why I had lost the baby, especially after so many years of trying. I definitely questioned why it had happened because I felt like that was our one and only chance at having another baby. I decided the best thing to do was to go to Heavenly Father in prayer. I prayed for peace and comfort and asked Heavenly Father to help me through it. I told him that I couldn't physically or emotionally go on with this trial any longer and that if we weren't supposed to have anymore children, to please let me know so that I could accept it and move on. After I prayed, I began looking through my scriptures. I had found my last answer there, so I wondered if it was possible to happen again. I came upon a passage, again in the Bible, that caught my eye. I felt peace come over me when I read, "The Lord will respect you, and you will be fruitful and multiply".

On Wednesday, I had to go to the doctor to get a shot. After leaving, I was feeling especially down. I had just been in a doctor's office full of pregnant women. I was crying in the car as I was driving home. I wanted to believe in the experience I had the day before and believe that I would one day have a baby. You would think that would be enough, but I found myself praying to Heavenly Father and asking for more. I told him that it was too hard for me to wonder if I was pregnant every month. I couldn't start that over again. I told him I believed it would happen, but I just wanted to know when. I really didn't think I would get an answer to that question. I was asking too much. But as I was praying, I had a feeling come over me to be quiet and turn up the radio. The radio had been on all along, but it was down so low that I hadn't even realized. I didn't think much about it as I turned the radio up, but then it happened. A song was just starting. A song I knew and had heard many, many times. At first, I didn't think anything about it, but as I listened to the words, I felt like they were spoken directly to me.

Green Day - Wake Me Up When September Ends

Summer has come and passed

The innocent can never last

Wake me up when September ends

Like my fathers come to pass

Seven years has gone so fast

Wake me up when September ends

Here comes the rain again

Falling from the stars

Drenched in my pain again

Becoming who we are

As my memory rests

But never forgets what I lost

Wake me up when September ends

Summer has come and passed

The innocent can never last

Wake me up when September ends

Ring out the bells again

Like we did when Spring began

Wake me up when September ends

I felt this incredible, overwhelming peace as I listened. It talked about how 7 years had gone by so fast. Cayson was 7. It talked about being drenched in pain. That is certainly how I felt. It said my memory would rest, but I would never forget what I lost. Oh, and one more thing. It said I could celebrate like I had in the spring and that I would wake up when September ends. I knew it was crazy. I knew no one would believe me. But that was my answer. I would be pregnant by the end of September. Was it really possible to have such an exact, clear answer?

Of course, I didn't tell Shawn what had happened. I didn't want September to come and go and end up looking like an idiot. But I did hint to him. I would tell him that I was okay and that my guess was the end of September. He would just look at me. I think he was worried about me getting my hopes up. He probably thought I was crazy.

I went to see the doctor the end of June. I didn't know how long he would want me to wait before trying again. I had heard many times over that you should wait a few months, so your body can recover. And yes, that is exactly what he said. My heart sank. If I had to wait that long, then I would never be pregnant by the end of September, and everything I experienced was just too crazy to have happened. (I was already second guessing myself) As the doctor was leaving the room, halfway out actually, he stopped and came back in. He just stood there, then looked at me. I was shocked when he proceeded to tell me that If we needed to wait and give ourselves time to recover mentally, that we should take all the time we need, but if we were ready, I was just fine physically and we could begin trying. My heart was so full. Maybe I just wasn't so crazy after all.

Of course, all was easier said than done. The reason I had such a hard time getting pregnant is because I don't ovulate very often. The doctor didn't want to put me on anything just yet. He wanted me to wait a month to see if my cycle would start on its own. JUST GREAT. I tried to stay positive. If September was supposed to happen, then of course things would go right with my body. WRONG. Now it is the end of July, and nothing! I have two months left before the end of September and now what? That's right, I'm going on birth control. Uh, doesn't that go against the whole baby thing? Fast forward...

Now it is the end of August, and I can finally go off the pill. A few days into September, I started my Clomid. Okay, let's look at the big picture here. We had been trying, unsuccessfully, for 5 1/2 years now, and I am supposed to believe that I can get pregnant in the next few weeks? I think I was testing Heavenly Father. Not to give out too much information, but there was only 1 chance that month for me to get pregnant. There was no way! Of course I was second guessing everything that had happened. The rest of the month seemed to me to have been the longest ever. I was anxious, worried, nervous and scared. Maybe I had just imagined it all...

At the end of September, I was feeling nauseous and tired. Could it be? I knew I didn't need to take a test to tell me that it was true. We would be able to celebrate again.

After talking to Shawn and telling him my experience, he told me that he had been praying, too. When I had gone on the Clomid the beginning of September, he told Heavenly Father that it was too hard to watch me go through this anymore and that if I wasn't pregnant by the end of the month then that was it. He would know it wasn't meant to be and we would move on.

I know that Heavenly Father loves me, and I know he has a plan for me. I know that I went through this as a learning experience. I know with all my heart that He hears my prayers and answers them. I know that they are not all answered to this degree, but I now know that I won't second guess the answers I get. I know that he cares about what I am going through. I know that when I feel the spirit, I need to listen. Jillian is our little miracle, and we love her so much! I thank God every day for the gift He gave me.

Now I'm almost afraid of asking if we're supposed to have another one... I told Shawn it was his turn.